Wednesday, August 24, 2005

The 700 Remington *Club


(Music up : Choir hums “Onward Christian Soldiers “ )


A hush falls over the tele-congregation as the Reverend Remington – resplendent in his clerical robes – walks slowly to the pulpit : his head bowed in prayer.

He stand there for a moment in perfect silence, then speaks.


Reverend Remington : Brothers and Sisters , listen . Listen to the words ah have to say to you. Listen to the Voice of the Lord !


Choir: Ah-men-n-n-n-n-n-n-n


Reverend Remington : Ah have just finished speaking with ----Heee-imm.


Ah asked Heee-imm : “Lord, Lord, what shall we do ?

What shall we do with this Godless heathen in Venezuela ??

Lord , what shall we do with this Ooo-go Chavez ?”


Congregation : Oh, Lord ! What shall we do ? Oh-oh !



Reverend Remington : And the Lord answered me ! The Lord said ,

“What’s this “ Ooo-go “ stuff , boy ? You some kinda RC greaser now ?

Maybe got you a greaser girlfriend on the side ?

Talk American to me, boy !”


Choir : (Hums: “America the Beautiful” )



Reverend Remington : So ah did.

Ah talked American.

Ah talked American to the Lord - just like ah’m talkin’ to you.

An ah said,”Lord, that Hew-go Chavez is plumb vexatious , an’ a trial to the good Christian people of this nation.

He thanks. He thanks, cuz he’s got a li’l oil on his land ?

He thanks he can make good Christian people jump through hoops to get it “


Congregation : “ Thass right ! “ “ Tell it !”


Reverend Remington : Ah’m gonna tell you just what the Lord’s answer was-but first, we’re gonna take up a special collection.


Choir: (Begins humming: “ Bringing in the Sheaves”)



Reverend Remington : Ah don’t want to give anything away, but we’re gonna call this the HIT HUGO fund , an’ if you thank the Lord suggested hirin’ some beaner what’s good with a rifle to take that sucker out ------

Be sure to have your credit card handy when you see that 800 number on your screen !

Choir : Hall-e-lujah ! Hall-e-lujah ! Hall-e-lu-u-u-u-a-jah !





* 700 Remington is a registered trade name for a line of heavy duty , long range rifles marketed under the Remington brand name.

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