Friday, August 19, 2005

Just When You Thought it Was Safe
(To stop sleeping in the bathtub)


Canandaiga,NY : A farmer in this Finger Lakes community decided to advertise for a second wife – but didn’t want to place a “personals” ad -for fear of being teased by his neighbors…so he planted an ad , using seed corn.

Once the corn reached a height of 6 to 7 feet , the farmer’s 900 foot by 600 foot message was clearly visible from the air . 50’ letters proclaimed:

SWF Got –2 (heart) Farmin’

An arrow pointed to the farmer’s house.

The farmer did get a few phone calls in response to his living billboard ,but ,for the most part, he got….. …a lot of teasing by his neighbors.

ps: The farmer’s cows got into the field ,and ate his ad.


Chicago: A woman who called her cable company to complain about rude and indifferent customer service had her complaints verified in an unusual fashion.

When her August bill arrived, it was addressed to “ Bitch Dog”.


Another Windy City consumer had unexpected problems with his electric company: For reasons no one seems able to explain , the billing department has decided his name is “ Jeffrey Scrotum Bag “.


Lawrence, Kansas : A woman who operates a home daycare center was alarmed when her home was “raided” - not by Quantrell’s Guerillas, but by a 3 foot reptile – thought to be an alligator, crocodile, or caiman.

The woman – quite sensibly – kept the children inside while animal control officers wrestled the annoyed critter into a cage.

Such creatures are not exactly native to the plains of Kansas, and no one has volunteered to explain how this one got there .



Ithaca,NY : If Cornell University ecologist Josh Donlan has his way , the presence of African wildlife in Kansas – and other parts of the Great Plains-would become unremarkable.

In an article published in “Nature” , Mr. Donlan calls for the “Rewilding” of the Great Plains of North America with free-ranging African lions, cheetahs,elephants ,etc.

He concedes “huge cultural obstacles” would have to be overcome.

Astute readers of Nature will probably note Donlan does not advocate the introduction of large African predators to the Finger Lakes area of New York- where Cornell University is located.

“Nature” readers will also note an accompanying article which notes ever-increasing numbers of lions are becoming man-eaters : about 1000 people killed or maimed in Tanzania alone over the past 15 years.

(Hmm… Should we import man -eaters from Tanzania , or just ship Josh Donlan there ?)

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