Saturday, October 22, 2005

Commander 'n Cheat

It’s now out in the open: The new TV drama “Commander in Chief” was aired to pre-test and pre-market the candidacy of Hillary Clinton for President in 2008.

Secondary goals may have been : getting on Hillary’s “good side” early on, suggesting what her agenda should be , getting some juicy staff appointments lined up in advance ,getting an inside track for the campaign advertising dollars – the possibilities are endless.

With this in mind, here are my screenplay notes for an ALL (!) NEW (!)
EPISODE (!) of TV’s up-and-coming drama :

(Please note: In keeping with my usual practice, I have made a conscious effort to offend as many people as possible. It’s hard work, but somebody has to do it ! )


(Scene is the Breakfast Nook in the White House. Camera does quick pan of tastefully set table , waiting attendants. Then, in background, we hear: )

Marine Guard : “ Ten….HUT !!”

(Secret Service Agents are shown briefly. They are at rigid attention-and humming “Hail to the Chief”. Brisk footsteps approach the Breakfast Nook.)

President Clinton : (Enter,stage right. Stops abruptly, glances back, snarls:)” Agent Witherspoon : Is that a gravy stain on your tie ?”

Witherspoon : (Stammering) “N-no, Madame President . It’s a blood stain…from when I got shot last time ? Jumping between you and that –uh- disappointed campaign contributor ?”

President : “ Oh. Yes. Well, consider yourself “on report” anyway. I want my people to look sharp !” (Enters Breakfast Nook.)

Attendant : “Good morning,Madame President ! What would you like for breakfast ?”

: “ Bring me a tall glass of iced tea with lemon. I need something to warm up my blood and sweeten my disposition.”
(Smiles. Geena Davis she’s not.)

Bill (Bubba) Clinton : ( Enters Breakfast Nook, looking a bit sheepish.)
“Mornin’ darlin’ !”

President : “Don’t good morning me, you worm …and it’s “Madame President” to you ! “

Bubba : “Lord,woman ! What did ah do now ? “

President : “You know very well what you did ! Last night !! “

Bubba : (Bites lip) “Ah did not have sex with that woman ! “

President : (Glares) “What woman ? “

Bubba : “ Helen Thomas , darlin’ . She was in the Lincoln bedroom last night, but she was with some Ay-rab feller : Pajama ? No, Osama .
Osama bin Laden, or some such. An’ Hugo Chavez, too. “

President: “What was Hugo Chavez doing in the Lincoln bedroom ?”

Bubba : “ Well….Fidel couldn’t make it. He is getting’ on in age,darlin’.
Hugo sorta took his place.

President : “ And what,exactly, were you doing there ?”

Bubba : “ Mostly, ah was tryin’ to keep a straight face, darlin’.”
(Grins) “ Ol’ Osama bin tryin’ , but he wasn’t doin’ much to uphold the honor of Islam – if you catch my drift. Ol’ Hugo kept a-yellin; : “Just pretend she’s a camel !” ; and Osama fires back : “ I thought she was !”

Bubba : An’ ol’ Helen : she’s lookin’ disgusted – like she mostly does anyway – and she says : “Do you think the American people will (umph) stand for this ? “

President: (Intrigued,in spite of herself) “ Then what ?”

Bubba : “Ol’ Hugo shouts: “ They won’t stand for it – they’ll be too busy rollin’ on the floor, laughin’ !”

Bubba: “ That was some “interview” she did ! Ah had the Chief of Staff tape the whole thing – just like ah had someone tape that interview you give to Janet before she got her big job.”

President: “ You-you – PIG ! If I ever find that tape , you’re HISTORY ! “

(Fade to……………..Commercial break.)


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Saturday, 22 October, 2005  

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