Thursday, October 27, 2005

Oh, No ! More Animals in the News !!

London: Researchers from Emory University of Texas, and The University of Louisiana have made a careful study of two separate groups of chimpanzees – in an effort to determine whether the primates have any “altruistic impulses”.

Both groups noted ,when chimps are provided with treats, they are not the least bit inclined to share them with other chimps – despite clearly identifiable “begging gestures” by their less fortunate counterparts.

( Oddly enough,the same behavior has been observed in self-described liberals – who tend to contribute far less to the needy than their “tight-fisted” conservative counterparts . )

Cape Girardeau,Mo : Sharon , a 7 month-old goat ,who is the mascot of the Sigma Chi Fraternity at Southeastern Missouri State University,had an exceptionally bad week !

On Friday,somebody sneaked inside a security fence at the frat house,and spray-painted the capering Caprine.

On Sunday, the poor goat was (excuse the expression ) kidnapped.

On Monday, police located the missing goat ,who had been placed behind the fence of a local animal hospital.

No arrests were made; and , to add insult to injury ,unsympathetic Animal Control officials have served an “eviction order” on the fraternity’s Caprine companion: saying it is illegal to keep “ farm animals “ inside city limits.

The Morning Paper dispatched its best bleating-heart reporter to interview Sharon ; who said - (while trying to chew the reporter’s notepad) she was proud to call herself a Caprine-American, and that she was outraged at the specie-ist prejudice she had encountered on and off campus.

Sharon said she is contemplating legal action, and has contacted the Caprine Appreciation League to that end.

(We didn’t have the heart to tell her the Caprine Appreciation League is a Middle Eastern group, dedicated to the creative preparation of goat meat.)

London: Over 26% of all dogs in Britain are “stressed out” ; and fully 1/3rd of all British canines are prone to vomiting and diarrhea –according to a survey of about 1200 pet owners , conducted by one Roger Mugford , a self-described pet behaviourist .

According to Mugford , humans lead increasingly busy lives , and feel guilty about not spending adequate time with their “animal companions”.

The survey results were announced by a spokesperson for “Direct Line Pet Insurance”- which may be as real as the statistic conclusions arrived at by this relatively tiny sampling of pet owners.

Come to think of it, I suspect someone was pulling the reporter’s leg- (dangerous metaphor there ) but maybe I’m barking up the wrong tree.


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